


Tired of Being Alone

by Tysonkaiexperiment



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-08
Updated: 2012-03-08
Packaged: 2017-11-01 15:50:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/358580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tysonkaiexperiment/pseuds/Tysonkaiexperiment
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Song by Schiller and Tarja Turunen, dedicated to Emerald Moonrose. He'd make Squall see him, even if Sora has to become like Rinoa. But one-sided love is known to fade over time... LeRin with complicated!one-sided LeSo, implied RiSo with mentions of others.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tired of Being Alone

**Author's Note:**

> There are Final Fantasy VIII references in this, so if you haven't played that don't mind if you get confused by something.

_Once, you dreamed of me  
Twice, you wished that I'd pull you out.  
You chose your life, and put me down,  
still you don't understand._

It was the first night, he noticed, the first night Squall did not have those nightmares of the girl with raven hair and chocolate eyes. It had been an accident, a party at the castle, one of Mickey's friends from other worlds supplied wine and everyone had drank. That's when their eyes met, such unmasked emotions swirling in those green-silver depths that Sora probably would never had said no even if he wanted to.

They had found an abandoned room on the first floor where the party was held, just far enough to not be heard or seen by the party but close enough to hear the cheerful music. He knew, for sure, that was the happiest moment of his entire sixteen years of life. It had been exactly as he dreamed, rough yet gentle, forceful yet innocent. He drowned in the attention, like an innocent puppy to the soft touches, sweet words, and silk sheets.

When he shared a room with Squall at Radiant Garden the older brunet had those memories. He would toss and turn, groan out in fear and worry and call her name so many times Sora had been sick of it by the second hour.

" _Rinoa._ "

Squall had tried to brush it off like he didn't care, his eyes emotionless and face blank as he told her story. She was just as young as him, he told, with shoulder blade-length black hair, tanned skin, and wide innocent brown eyes. Her voice was sweet and her attitude cheerful, a daughter of a general and a lounge bar singer, ironic since the lounge bar singer had once been in love with his own father.

But Sora could see it in his eyes, the way he told about her teaching him to waltz, or having his ring without him even knowing, or the way she got mad at him because he'd been so uncaring before, or all the times it seemed like she liked his rival but she was really falling for him. There was so much emotion, laughter, joy, sadness, surprise, longing.

Love.

And Sora didn't have the heart to tell him he could see right through the mask.

On the night they shared together, however, not once did Squall's face morph into one of worry or fear, nor did he ever call out her name. Instead he just shifted in his sleep, grunted once or twice, and tugged Sora so close he was spooning the younger.

They'd been running, he told Sora, using their airship, the Ragnarok, to head into outer space and just get away from everyone. It was then that it happened, something called 'The Lunar Cry', and instead of just monsters it was heartless, millions and millions, even the keyblade wouldn't have been able to hold out. He said she was by the opening, the monsters were denting the door to get to them and he was crying out her name and trying to get her to head to pilot's area. But instead she just smiled that adorable little smile of hers and shut the electronic sliding door in his face and it had gotten broken by a monster. By the time he could get through the waves of monsters that had gotten in and had open the door, he said it was too late. She looked peaceful, he claimed, an angel, exactly like the wings on her outfit and the ones she'd been given proclaimed.

Each night they spent together after that was just the same, he'd be warm and be comforted, and yet he knew to Squall he was just a physical body to replace the girl in his dreams. Each morning after he'd leave without a word to the still-sleeping man. When Yuffie and Aerith had gotten news Squall was seen with someone they had gushed to him, asking who it was. Squall looked to him for help, possibly to say it was him, yet instead Sora turned his gaze and body and left the home.

_Tired of being alone!_  
 _What you have dreamed,  
Is not what I am.  
So far._

But it was by the third night Sora realized he would have to change, this wasn't one of those fairy-tale stories where the hero wouldn't change and the person they loved would fall for them for just being them. No, there was too many nightmares and destroyed lives to grant them the happy ending they wanted.

He hadn't changed in the way he looked or the way he talked, he could sit there for just seconds and realize that wasn't what Squall was looking for. Rinoa had the looks alright, with honey-brown highlighted black bangs framed around her wide almond eyes, light pink cheeks, and light pink lips she was easily a perfect catch. But it wasn't what Squall wanted, yes he did like those things about her, but Sora knew his friend and crush and that was something Squall would never look for if there was not something else with it.

So instead he began to slowly master the art of witty but not-hurtful comments, he showed his heart on his sleeve and cared about everything rather than what was just important to him, and slowly he began to tease Squall about his attitude and complain when he was too stern or uncaring. Once he'd even pulled Squall to dance during a song they both liked on the radio and Squall's eyes did flash with amusement and Sora was happy. Until, he remembered that Squall didn't dance until her and when Squall looked to him with those kind and loving eyes he wasn't looking at him, but past him.

It was harder to do than expected, he realized, not because he was worried about loosing himself. No, that he would give up willingly just to be with Squall forever. Maybe he was greedy, he didn't know, he just got sick of both Aerith and Tifa looking to Cloud so happily and he looked back to them so content, and every day Cid would call Shera and Vincent and he'd be so happy, and Yuffie would call her father and tell him the latest news before she'd hit the club scene and dance and chat with everyone. And Squall had his precious memories, he didn't need anything else, just content to eat and drink and live off memories of a girl that would never again open her sparkling eyes or smile that amazingly gentle smile as she sweetly called his name.

He wanted to scream at him, to just be demanding and call for him to look, to _see_ him. And yet, at the same time, he wanted to yell at him to forget about her, if not forget then just to let her be replaced. But instead he continued to stay silent and enjoy their meetings in the night and he'd just continue to change.

_Let me be the one,  
Please understand me,  
How I am.  
But I don't want to walk alone,  
I need your hands to warm my soul._

They'd done something they had never done before, Sora realized as he lay there. Squall hadn't just ignored him and fell asleep, instead he cuddled him and they talked and Squall seemed content. He couldn't tell if it was the changes he'd made or if it was Squall having a change of heart, but either way he allowed himself to enjoy it.

"The nightmares don't come." Squall told him, eyes burning into Sora's as he spoke, "Any time I'm with you."

He was a dream catcher of sorts, there to remove the bad and put in the new, he didn't mind as long as Squall was with him. "Maybe it's a sign?" He asked, eyes sparkling quietly and hopefully.

Squall's lips pursed for a moment, studying him, before he shrugged.

Sora had just smiled softly and ran his hands up Squall's chest, he was content to feel the man shiver. His fingers placed light but firm touches, raking over places in no more than a second as they steadily climbed their way up. Happily he could feel the older's hands run across his sides, tickling him as they reached his thighs before they slid across his waist and tugged him closer to the taller one.

There were open-mouthed kisses where his shoulder met his throat and Sora gave a noise of content and buried his face into Squall's shoulder to breath in his scent. He knew this wouldn't be good for him, Squall had so far given no signs of another time and the pleasure would only last so far for his one-sided love. Times like this caused him to think, and he could only ever think of _her_.

Did they ever kiss or cuddle, had they ever been one? His fingers clutched the back of Squall's shoulder as the tip of his nose rested just above the edge of the man's skin. Quickly his eyes averted, focusing on nothing and everything. The man never spoke of that, would he respond if Sora asked it of him? No, he'd probably pull away and look at him in confusion and wonder why Sora was asking. Then the night would end, things would be awkward and he'd never know if just maybe that was what would end their random nights.

But instead he just closed his eyes and sighed contently, allowing himself to adjust for a moment before Squall's lips met his jaw. It was then he leaned his head back and allowed the man to fill him again, just in hopes of forgetting the questions buzzing around his mind.

_Tired of being alone,  
Tired of being alone!_

He avoided Squall for two weeks, probably not the best move on his part. Or maybe it was, he really didn't know. All he knew was that the one-sided love had begun to dwindle. He realized just maybe he didn't need someone with nothing but nightmares or memories. Maybe, if he looked hard enough he could find someone for him, someone who was willing to look at him for being him.

He couldn't lie to himself anymore, after the last time there was no spark, nothing had given him the warmth and comfort he was so used to getting. So instead when Squall sent him the look of them needing to talk he merely shook his head and focused more on his silver-haired best friend. Riku was visiting that week, probably to get himself away from his red-headed secret girlfriend. They hadn't told anyone but Sora yet, unlike him they were happy and in love and they wanted to be with each other before others would force themselves into their business.

Yuffie had claimed he and Riku looked cute together, much to the amusement of few. Aerith had agreed instantly, saying something about them sticking together throughout both light and darkness would make them perfect romantic interests or something. He hadn't listened much after, he'd just given Riku a cheesy smile and received one in return. They walked out the door to head to the market, Yuffie and Aerith naming things on the list with Riku trying to mentally note down everything they were saying, and Sora took this moment to look to Squall.

His eyes were blazing, and not in the jealous way Sora had heard in so many times in fairy-tales. No, it was the angry way, anger in being ignored or not allowed to talk with him, Sora didn't know. Either way their eyes met and he could tell Squall wanted, _needed_ , to talk with him, and yet he merely stepped out the door and struck up a conversation with Riku.

They hadn't returned until much later, well after the sun went down. Instead of ignoring him like he expected Squall to, the older grabbed him by the upper arm and hauled him in the direction of his apartment. There was little room for argument, even if Sora had yelled at him the entire way there, he knew Squall wouldn't listen to any of it.

The brunet had shoved him inside and before he could look at him he was shoved against the door and Squall's lips were on his and there were fingers tugging away his clothes. Instead of pulling back, he allowed it, just for the memory of what they once had. He couldn't remember how long it had been, he never looked to the clock when Squall had pushed away lightly.

There was a moment where Squall just stared at him and Sora turned his head to look everywhere _but_ him, but eventually their eyes met and the silence they reached was twisting Sora's heart into millions of tiny broken pieces.

Where had the love gone? He couldn't even remember exactly how it felt to _be_ in love with this man, he couldn't even remember what had caused the spark in the first place. There was just another man in front of him, another friend to his seemingly endless amount and an ally to his never-ending quests.

"I'm going back to Destiny Islands." He finally could mutter to the man, slowly peeling his clothes off his sweaty form to put them on correctly. There was no more said, he just left it at that and allowed Squall to tack on whatever the hell he wanted to.

It seemed the man had tacked on something surprising and yet depressing from the way he looked at him. But he didn't ask, didn't even plan to, instead he just turned and opened the door before slipping out as he cleaned his look up. There wasn't going to be any moments of him turning and wondering if Squall would come for him before returning, nor would there be any moments of him spinning around and bolting back into warm arms and a cold heart.

He did wonder if Squall had even come behind him, but instead of looking he just turned a random corner and bolted up the stairs into the bailey. Figured the last place he'd spend the night there would be the first place he'd gotten his first kiss from Squall.

_I will do my best,  
To become your love.  
I'll try,  
To fill the emptiness  
In our hearts.  
Oh, so tired of being alone!_

It had been the fault of his _path_ of light that caused him to loose his light. For the longest time he'd thought Rinoa had been his light and he couldn't see anything but her, even when she was gone. And yet he knew every time his body met Sora's or his lips touched his tanned skin that there was something more than those random night encounters. Yet he couldn't tell what, he realized by the time Sora had turned and ran from him and by the time he made it to the corner of his street the boy was gone.

He knew he wasn't deserving of a happy ending, that much was certain, but he wondered if he could give Sora his. Sora had been nothing but sweet, open-hearted, and caring. He could never compare the two, Sora always seemed to have something that Rinoa didn't and yet he could never get past Rinoa.

But Sora had been in love with him, that much he figured out, except he didn't know how long love lasted. He hadn't been with Rinoa long, just short of their final battle at the castle and the problems with time compression.

Months had gone by and he wondered if he should go to Sora, to see what he was up to. Sora deserved his happy ending, not allow Squall to destroy it and be tied with him forever. No, if anything he should find the person who'd matter most to Sora, it was the right thing to do after hogging him for so long.

That night he had slept more peacefully, there was no longer the exotic scent of Sora on his bed or in his clothes, but the memories were there. Instead of blood, monsters, and fear he dreamed of a smile, a moment of perfection, and love.

It was too late for him, he realized as his fingers raked over his pillow the next day, too late for him to look at the smaller and smile and mutter those three words the boy had always wanted to hear. Even if he accepted them and accepted Squall there would be nothing more to their relationship. What was usually two sparks of contentment and joy had become one, he knew slowly Sora had started to loose interest in their little moments.

But there was no one else, no one that realized how deep their emotions ran like Sora did. There would be no one like him to talk, or laugh, or smile, or for him to treasure. No one could ever come close, he realized, and if it meant starting back at square one he'd do it, just to allow Sora to feel. That much he wanted, for the smaller brunet to feel exactly how much Squall treasured him.

_Tired of being alone,  
I want to feel,  
_ _I need to fall in love with you._

It wasn't long after, just several months, that Sora began to wonder about the other man. Had he found someone new, was he still living in the past, did he ever stop to think about him or was it still only about Rinoa? He probably shouldn't have thought about him like that anymore, especially when he no longer interested in him romantically, yet since he was Sora's first he knew he wouldn't forget. It was true what they said, a lot of times you were never truly in love with your first relationship.

And yet, he realized as he slid through the doors of the castle to catch up, he'd never escape that feeling that was so special to the spark only they could share.

Fingers explored, nails dug, lips met, and bodies pressed and Sora tilted his head back to try and keep up with the running blood pumping throughout his energetic body. "I don't love you anymore." He whispered, making it loud and clear for the other to hear.

Squall said nothing at that moment, just gazed into his eyes before he kissed his jaw, "I know." He answered back, fingers grazing over placed he hadn't touched in what felt like ages, "I didn't expect you to."

"Well I don't." Sora repeated. It was more like he was trying to blame Squall when he didn't want to blame himself for giving into the feeling again. There was no spark still, no flare through his belly that would cause him to cry out loud enough it covered the party's music from their distance away.

The older brunet just continued his work, fingers roaming, eyes gazing, and lips moving, "But I've become attached."

The smaller brunet sighed, closing his eyes halfway as he watched the man try to give him back the spark he didn't think would ever return. "What if I have become attached to someone?"

Squall had glanced at him then, he didn't move, just looked up exactly from the area just above Sora's navel. His eyes studied Sora's face for just a moment before their eyes met and Sora's last few months had been laid out entirely in front of Squall. "Someone with nightmares but they seemed to have had their happy ending."

"It's not so happy for him." Sora admitted, as if that's why the man turned to him and his conflicted heart for support. "It's not her fault."

"It couldn't be." Squall agreed, going back to his task at hand, "You can't help when you fall in love with your best friend."

_Tired of being alone..._


End file.
